Growth is Painful --

Is that what is happening? Am I going through a growth spurt? Perhaps I have lived my life for this moment. I feel like I'm trapped on a roller coaster and life is taking me for a ride that I am not necessarily enjoying, but feel compelled to endure. There seems to be no other option. By staying on the roller coaster, other people's lives will be better and maybe that's the right thing to do. I don't want to complain, but I don't think I'm living the life that I wanted to live. All I can do is assume that God has other plans for me and go with it and perhaps learn to be happy with it.

I have created a couple of art pieces and taken a couple of classes in the past couple of months. That is why I started a blog...to write about those things. I want to share pictures with you and happy thoughts.

When I sit down to say something to you, the only things I can think about are the things that I'm fretting over...and I know you don't want to hear about that...and I don't want to use your time in that way.

I pray for the days that I can spend time writing about the fun things I'm doing and the creations I'm making and the wonderful people in my life. Then I will share...

In Memory of GC

I just got the call from MB that G has passed away. Very sad! Very sad! I'll miss him. It's odd that I must mention that he was ornery, disagreeable, cranky and sometimes downright mean. I've know him since I was 16. He was my best friends husband. He was also my husband's best friend. They spoke on the phone every single day for years. Sometimes they would even speak 2 or 3 times a day. Honey knew more about him than even MB knew. G could share with Honey the things that scared him, or the traumas of being in the Vietnam war. He could safely complain about his pain and the idea of dieing sooner than later. He felt safe with my D and was able to open up with him. They were good friends. I'm so grateful that Honey went to the hospital with me today. Even though G wasn't conscious, D got to hold him, speak to him (hoping he could maybe hear him) and pray for him.

My Honey doesn't cry often, but today he couldn't hold it in, or maybe he didn't want to. Off and on all day, his emotions have gotten the best of him. Just now we shared a moment hugging and crying together. I thought he went to bed, but I can hear him in the bedroom right now sobbing mournfully and praying. Simply crying out loud from grief. I don't want to go in there because I know him and he needs to talk to God right now in private. I know he needs to cry and grieve. I myself cried hard all the way home today, then promptly took a pill and went to bed.

Our day started out going to the neurologist for my spinning...dizzy spells, vertigo, what ever you want to call it. Three different Doctors in nine days. No one knows what causes it nor do they know how to get rid of it. So, as long as I don't move my head or body, I'm fine. I have a CT Scan scheduled for next week.

After the Dr. appointment we drove over to MB & G's house as we planned yesterday. No one was home. I looked in every room and no one, including G, who was almost completely paralyzed from his stroke, was home. There was a huge amount of black stuff on G's bed. I mean a lot of it. I honestly didn't know how or what to think about that so I pushed it out of my mind. Honey didn't see it. I immediately called MB and she explained that when she woke up and saw the black stuff, she determined it was coming from his nose and mouth and immediately called 911. A fire truck, an ambulance, and four squad cars came within minutes. After, what can only be described as an interrogation of MB and her brother, D, did they finally take G to Alvarado. Then transferred him to Kaiser to the comfort ward.

By the time Honey and I got to the hospital, G was not conscious and he was struggling with breathing. We tried to wake him, but he was definitely in a coma. When MB asked the doctor, "How long?" the Doctor told us HOURS! G was gurgling everywhere in his body, which is a very distinct sound. Some refer to this sound as the Death Rattle. He was immediately put on a Morphine Drip and he never did regain conscious. He died approximately 8:00 p.m. on Friday, April 25, 2008, at the age of 58, from complications from advance diabetes and at least 2 severe strokes. He may have had a 3rd last night, but there was no point in doing tests

The weeks after his second stroke, he went to a convalescent home for physical therapy. He did not progress and in fact was uncooperative and absolutely hated it there, thereby make the nurses lives hellacious. He begged MB to let him come home and when the Dr. said there was nothing more they could do, he went home. MB had prepared a nice bedroom for him, including a hospital bed, a spiffy wheel chair, and a harness lift. Turns out MB and D bit off more than they were prepared for. G was simply in too much pain and nothing one could do for him helped, including a ton of meds. None of them were getting any sleep because he demanded to be move, or rubbed, or given a drink of water, or you name it. It was constant and required 24/7 attendance to his needs.

It's God's time for him. He was so tortured in his heart and soul. His entire body was in excruciating pain and he was unable to sleep. The ton of meds. seemed to have no effect on his pain and muscle spasms. Nothing was working.

When we were at the hospital, Honey, MB, her Mom and Brother and myself stood around his bed and prayed for Peace for him. We prayed that God would take him soon and peacefully. And that is exactly what happened.

MB kept telling me what a good day they had yesterday. He wasn't struggling as much as usual and they were able to talk about things. He seemed comfortable to an extent. Last night he wanted to converse, he was in good spirits and he appeared have his best night in ages in-so-far as sleep. He seemed to be adjusting to his meds. and MB was very encouraged until she checked on him this morning and discovered the huge amount of black guck.

I'm afraid I may be rambling, but I must.

He spoke to Honey last night. He always asks Honey about me, but last night he told Honey to tell me that he loves me. For me that was little gift from God. We were like fighting siblings together. He was very witty and we could laugh, play and have fun, but boy could we push each other's buttons. To be totally honest, there were times when I just simply didn't like him because of his meanness to MB. But, I've always thought of him as family and I've always loved him. He's Uncle G after all.

I am very sad, because he's gone. I have never known an interesting character like him and most likely never will. He was one of the most unique individuals in my life and I honestly feel blessed to have had him in my life. There will never be another like him.

Thank you God for helping D with the words to save G from and eternity of hell. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to talk to G and to let him know what he had to do to be saved. Thank you for giving us the peace of knowing that he is meeting Butchy, his beloved dog, at the gates of Heaven. Thank you God for your Grace. Thank you for taking him Home. I know his pain is gone. His torment is gone. Thank you for hearing our prayers. Thank you for allowing us to share in his life. Thank you for taking him gently and peacefully. We know it happens in your time and thank you for allowing us the privilege of his presence in our lives. We know you have important work for him now. Thank you Lord, for his unique friendship and love. In Jesus name. Amen

Acts of Kindness

WAYS TO GIVE SPECIAL ACTS OF KINDNESS

WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN.

Help someone. Do something that's selfless. Find a way to give back.

1. Wake up each morning and pray/meditate on how/wanting to be kind to people...wanting to give with no expectations.
3. Learn how to be kind and giving.
2. Notice how I feel when I offer acts of kindness.

This is a way of life that I want to learn. At this point not knowing where to begin, I need to take baby steps. Consciously, I think I do my best already. Lord, gift me with the knowledge and guidance to go above and beyond for others. Help me Lord to give selflessly. Thank you for guidance in your ways of giving and doing for others. Help me to stay out of my own way.

In Jesus name I pray. Amen

My Need to Release

Spent some time with MB's husband, GC today. GC had his 2nd stroke a few weeks ago. This one is worse than the first. The stroke is in the exact same spot in his head except on the opposite side. So now, his best side is already a damaged side. He is in physical therapy but progress is very slow. He can't even hold his head up or move in bed. He can't use his left arm or leg at all. He can't put any weight on his left side. Even the left side of his mouth doesn't work. He has to be watched while he's eating so he doesn't choke on the food that collects on the left side. It's awful! He's a prisoner inside his own body. His mind is in tact. He's begging to come home. How will MB take care of him? It's all so day by day. The doctor team wants to have a meeting with MB on Friday to determine how to make GC more comfortable and less agitated. I think they want to send him home already. And, who would blame them. He pushes the button every five minutes literally. He is driving them crazy. All he wants is for someone to move his position. They try to tell him that he can't push the button all the time and he doesn't care. He's so unhappy and miserable. How much of that will MB be able to handle? The doctor said his diabetes is so advanced that he could have another stroke and die any time. Or, he could live for several more years. More will be revealed...day by day.

Lord, I pray that you have mercy on this man. If he is to continue to live, help him to get stronger. I reminded him today that you will never leave him and I was encouraged to know that he is talking to you daily. Give him the will to work on his physical therapy daily.
And, Lord, help me to know how I can be of the most help. Use me God to help him and to help MB. Thank you for opening my mind to where you may need me. In Jesus holy name, I pray. Amen

THE ANGEL

I wanted to share about an angel that came into my life recently. D is 48 and has been homeless for 15 years by choice. She rides a bike everywhere she goes. She earns money by cleaning houses and taking care of sick people. She has severe hyperactivity and ADD. She is totally aware of her handicaps and seems to only focus on the positive things in her life. Even the things that most people would think devastating, she talks about them in a positive light.

I want to say that she seems to have a halo.

The little that I know of her past is that she had a daughter at the young age of 13. She eventually agreed to let her sister adopt her daugher and then left home. She hadn't seen her family in 22 years. A friend encouraged her to contact her mother and then gifted her with an airplane ticket to see her family this past Christmas. It was an incredibly wonderful event for her. She now knows that leaving her daughter with her sister was the absolute right thing to do. She says her daughter is a happy, beautiful, talented, nice, young woman today.

D is a self-proclaimed healer. She says, "God works through me to heal people." I believe her because she knows it to be true. I've never witnessed her healing powers and most people might even think she's quite the quack, but I love that she is so true to herself. She's pure. What she says may seem crazy to most, but she is so clear, concise and positive that one can hardly believe it's anything more than truth.

I don't want to forget the feeling I had while in her presence. We connected on a level that I can only explain as a gift from God. We are nothing alike and I don't typically connect with people quickly. I'm embarrassed to say that when I reflect on our meeting, it even sounds bizarre to me that...hmmm, I guess, that I would have even taken the time to engage with her. She's a character like no one I've ever met, and I instantly loved her. I pray for her safety in life. Thank you God for the gift of an Angel.